I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
