If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
