Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
vagina is talking i cant
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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