How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
