Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
