She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
