my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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