a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
