Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
