If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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