Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
