I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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