I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
