I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
