There's always time for handjobs
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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