he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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