gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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