I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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