I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
