I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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