I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
