fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize