Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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