When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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