I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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