Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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