Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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