im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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