sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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