Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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