9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
