just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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