be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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