mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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