alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
