My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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