Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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