u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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