I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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