Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
