you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
