I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
