Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
