Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
