I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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