life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
