my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
oh god was she eating orange peels again
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
