My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
