I met the friendliest cop last night
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize