Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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