You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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