Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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