my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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