I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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