I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
