Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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