I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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