I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
my liver is dry heaving
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
