I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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