you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
