i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
