this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
