gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
