Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
